Okay, so the scratchcard bet rich quick scheme has not been wildly successful so far. Actually that's an understatement. So far the scratchcard scheme has returned negative five pounds. It's alright but, it's early days. After all I didn't get my first win on the horses until...? Hang on a second... Let me think a bit... Okay so I never actually won on the horses, but then I could never resist putting that extra stretch on the accumulator. At least twice in the yankees I can actually remember placing I got all five winners on the horses but lost out because I'd stuck it on with an accumulator bet on the official number one single of the week. Them Westlife boy's have lost me a fortune potentially, and that Crazy Frog song? I'd all the winners at Epsom that week but like a fool tried to double up on Coldplay's 'Speed of Sound' being number one. Honestly, who saw that coming? Not Coldplay anyway.
So anyway, after four scratchers and nothing to show for it I went looking for Whispering Jimmy to ask him where I was going wrong. 'Gotta take the rough with the smooth Normie, that's the game innit?' Tight bastard is Jimmy. Fair play he'll buy you a drink when he's had a win but he'll never share a tip with anyone. Like it would even affect his odds anyway. I decide that it's high time to employ one of my many failsafe gambling systems that will pay off any day now.
The first system I chose to employ was the fruit machine system. As any conniseur of the 'hold em nudgers' will tell you the trick is the count. All fruit machines are preset to pay out when the tumblers are full, all any smart man with time on his hands has to do is count the number of pound coins put into any machine and strike with thirty pence at the right time to guarantee the jackpot every time. This system has two drawbacks. Firstly it'll normally take at least four full days of hanging around a pub from opening to closing to work out the timing of the jackpot, and if you can afford to drink twelve hours a day for four straight days why would you need a six quid jackpot win on a 'nugget bandit' anyway? Secondly, once you figure the number of pound coins out the landlord'll notice and change the machine. Well they will if you become a bit, well... insistent about putting your thirty pence in at the appropriate time.
Anyway if you have the time this system will work on fruit machines. But in a Tesco's? On the scratchcards? No. I was in one on Monday afternoon, just watching who bought one, mainly young mothers and the elderly, and watching over their shoulder as they scratched to see if they'd won or not. After only twenty minutes I was approached by a rather uncouth store security guard. As it transpired he had had several complaints from other customers and if I wasn't going to buy anything could I please leave the store. Needless to say I was mortified. I informed him that I was indeed a customer and fully intended to pay for the half bottle of Tesco's finest scotch whisky in my hand. The guard became quite unnecessarily aggressive and insisted that I could not openly consume an alcoholic beverage in the store. 'Firstly,' I pointed out to this fool, 'My mother has always been of the custom of sampling Bourbon Creams on her supermarket travails and presenting a one third empty packet at the till upon checkout. In all her fifteen years of custom this has never been remarked upon. Secondly I have a nasty cold and this whisky I take only for health reasons.' Did he care about my invalided stated? I may have as well have told it to a trolley wheel
The worst part of this debacle is that I am now, quite unreasonably, banned from every Tesco's in Cornwall. As this was only one of four possible avenues to obtain scratchcards in Falmouth I have had my chances of a big win unjustly reduced by twenty-five percent. Worst of all I have no way of telling whether the fruit machine system would actually work and cannot try it again as I cannot take the chance of halving my total possible outcomes.
I'll have to think of something else, but fear not fellow punter, as soon as I do you'll be the first to know.